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I was in an interesting predicament Saturday. I was at an event, the last seats available at the lunch table were with a group of French people who did not speak english. I relish being in uncomfortable situations at times and this was one of them. I wasn’t about to sit and not interact so I started making eye contact and nodding with the people at the table.

Smile and confident posture do wonders in situations such as these and I discovered that one of them that did speak english apologized for speaking french and explained that the others did not speak english. I said that I figured that out and not for them to worry. Now was my time to get into the conversation, I hijacked the conversation with my number one rule of interactions. Be interested not interesting.

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“Honor is nothing but the vanity of vanities, which causes a man to defy his own mind and that of his Master and to forget his duty.” Moshe Chaim Luzzato (Italian Jewish Mystic)

In the course of conversation, you will undoubtedly encounter times when a man or woman will heap praise on you. The technique that you must come to believe in sincerely is disqualification. The advantage of this technique is that your preserve your integrity by showing appreciation but then moving to something else. In the mind of your conversational partner, you will be seen even higher than before but will be avoiding vanity at the same time.

For years, I had trouble accepting praise from people. Part of this may have been related to a sense that I felt that I wasn’t worthy or it, and part was because I didn’t want the attention. Now, when I receive praise, I accept and then disqualify it. For example, when I am out, and people find out I am a physician, they often say things like “That is so great your are a doctor.” When you start off saying, “Oh its nothing,” you are alienating your conversational partner, she has just complimented you and you are rebuffing her.

Instead practice the art of disqualification. Say, “Thank you, I really enjoy (being or doing etc) but what really excites me is (doing or being etc)” This way, you accept her praise but move on to something else, it both shifts the conversation in a place you would like to go and it allows you to avoid the pitfalls of honor that can happen when someone internalizes the praise and honor of others. You have a duty being a noble man and it has nothing to do with dwelling on the opinions of others whether negative OR POSITIVE.

This takes practice but try to respond to comments about your achievements by accepting, disqualifying, and then searching out what is special in the person that you are talking to. The problems with honor and praise are when those words swell in the mind of the person, this leads to arrogance and a person staying in their heads. Stay out of your head! Be quick, don’t let those words of praise enter your head and swell. Accept, disqualify, and search for that nugget that makes your conversational partner unique.

In the end you will be maintaining a higher plane of conversation while staying committed to your integrity. This is the proper way to handle praise. Internalize this lesson and make it automatic, practice it always and one of the major pitfills of noble conversation will not be a pitfall but a windfall.

“He makes people pleased with him by making them first pleased with themselves.”

“My son, here is the way to get people to like you. Make every person like himself a little better and I promise that he or she will like you very much”

Lord Chesterfield wrote the above in a letter to his son, these letters were then published years later. As you go about your day and life you will inevitably find people who are not living up to their potential. You raise them up by studying them and finding an attribute that is positive, getting them to express it, and then praising them for it. Do not reward them for it before they have expressed it! You may discover this attribute before they express it through observation. Only when they have expressed it should you reward or praise them for it. If you do before that, the person will not feel it to be sincere, even if it is true. This is a very important concept to remember and live by.

Once you recognize that positive attribute, draw it out of them by showing sincere interest in it, and then let them talk and express it through open ended questions, then reward them for it. If they have low self-esteem or for other reasons, it may be difficult to get them to talk about it and you may need to put a little pressure on them by asking them an open ended question and remaining strong and silent and waiting for them to express what you know is true.

Emerson said “Our chief want in life is someone who shall make us do what we can.” Don’t ever be afraid to hold people to high standards! Ultimately, that is what they want! The benefits of doing this are two-fold, you improve the person and even if there is resistance, they will end up respecting you greatly.

The man who possesses noble masculinity is in a never ending exercise of raising people up in the way described by great men like Emerson and Chesterfield. It is through this method that you show your interest in humanity as an active participant and an upholder of noble masculine virtues that enhance your status and improve the lives of others.

Freely adapted and interpreted from the following books.
Recommended Reading:
Lord Chesterfield’s Letters
Positive Imaging : The Powerful Way to Change Your Life by Norman Vincent Peale

The noble man is a scientific observer of human interactions. When someone rubs you the wrong way, it is important to remain as unemotional as possible and switch to observer mode. When in this mode even your gaze can overcome potential conflict. Your gaze communicates the feeling that you are unmoved by their behavior and are curious as to why they are behaving this way.

In your never ending quest for social mastery, you must begin to love your role as someone who is truly interested in humanity, even segments which you don’t like. The noble man is not free from dislike or even hate of those who are evil, but it doesn’t affect him like others. The normal man will get a physical reaction, stress, and disrupted thinking from those he hates. The noble man greets the emotion of dislike or hate from another direction. He looks at it as a scientific observer and decides whether or not it is worth his energy or should he move on to productive activity and interactions. When he makes that decision he will leave the emotion and its accompanying bad side effects behind.

The nobleman has a sensitive moral compass but he does not let evil or dislike affect him in such a way to derail him from his lofty goals. The worst side effect of dislike and hate (besides the physical reactions and stress) is to take precious time away from moving toward one of your many goals.

All of this is of course very difficult. In your quiet moments of reflection or prayer or meditation, try to spend some time, distancing yourself from being invested in dislike and hate, see it being bounced off of you. You don’t have to love those you hate or annoy you, that is unrealistic. The nobleman constantly strives to honestly acknowledge that emotion, takes a look at it as a scientific observer especially in the midst of an interaction, remain detached as much as possible, and move on to better things.

Freely adapted and interpreted based on material from Positive Imaging by Norman Vincent Peale

The noble man sees everyday and every interaction as a chance to bring light. He realizes that one must always be “on” so to speak. This of course can be very hard and we all have our low days. I use an erasable magic marker and on occasion write inspirational things on my mirror in the mornings that I am having trouble getting my mood and strength up. You must have in your armory things you can do to break that feeling. I recommend that you have some book that you have always found inspirational with you or at least readily available if necessary.

A noble man must always be free of acting in a way that hides an ulterior motive. Only one agenda is needed and that is to bring as much light to any interaction and then when the light is shining, you have the control to decide how you want it to proceed and in what manner. The best way to accomplish this is “to be interested and not to try to be interesting.” Even in situations where you encounter people not interested in connecting with you, you must maintain your strength in knowing you walk in integrity and purpose. What others think of you in this situation is none of your business, stay out of their heads and stay in your space of calm, collected, confident energy ready to bring light.